I am not an expert in this and would not project that at any stage of my life. For me there is no five-step guide. There are no routines one can prescribe. Anyone who tells you there are steps has never truly experienced the rabbit hole. I call my lowest moments the rabbit hole because sometimes it feels like an endless fall.

I have had difficult conversations with my mother and sisters regarding the question of what you do when the thing you are holding on to feels like it is not holding back. When I pray year after year and wait day after day and to my human limitations I cannot see the answers. So I bow my head in prayer but do not say much because I am struggling with my faith. But there is something I say even in my limited words. Dear Heavenly Father, please hold my hands in every situation. Remind me to always trust Your heart even when I do not humanly see Your hands.

In my despair I fall back on the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. When everyone counted them as lost, God sent His angel to be with them. I pride myself as a grown up who watches cartoons. You always have Superman or Batman diving in to save the day. They always arrive and all the bad things stop instantly. In the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, from my thinking, God did not pluck them from the furnace. He did not turn the furnace into a beautiful field of roses. He allowed His children to go inside the furnace and He made provisions for their safety. Our God has sent His angel to be with you right this moment.

And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace. Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king. He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God. Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, ye servants of the most high God, come forth, and come hither. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, came forth of the midst of the fire. Daniel 3:23 to 26

You will not go through this alone.

Coming to God as you are

The Psalms are filled with stories of people who went through challenges. Psalm 22 opens with: "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are You so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?" This is not doubt. This is an honest prayer.

Jesus quoted this Psalm from the cross. There have been varied interpretations of why He said Psalm 22. I am not a scholar. In my limited understanding, what I take away from it is this: I can cry to God in my despair and in my pain and He will hear my cries.

I choose to believe that my God is always near. He is always here. Sometimes it takes me longer to see this but I know He is holding my hands through every situation.

"The silence isn't empty though. It holds a whisper I used to know."

That line from Hold On is the theological heart of the song. The silence is not the absence of God. It is a different register of His presence. One that is harder to receive. But it is still there.

If this resonates, the Hold On EP is waiting for you at The Sacred. And if you are in a moment of genuine crisis, please reach out to someone who can be with you. The Samaritans in the UK can be reached on 116 123 at any hour. In the US, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available by calling or texting 988. Or visit Befrienders Worldwide and select your location for support.