Effort Without Asking

What I learned about love after searching for it outside of myself.

February passed by clothed in shades of red, clusters of pink, and heart-shaped candies enjoyed by me… and maybe you.

It was a month of beautiful unfolding in this new year we have now surely embraced. Perhaps we have collectively learned to change that number in the year section of the date.

A month that seems to quietly place love at the center of the room.

I received many questions about love.
About its meaning.
About where I find it in my life, in my world.

Is love a noun or a verb?
Something we hold, or something we practice?

It fascinates me how Valentine’s Day transcends throughout the world. Balloons, pillow cushions, sweet treats at bakeries, and tiny pieces of confetti all taking heart-shape whether I am here or there, across the world from you, or seated on your couch cushion as our conversation brews.

The last few years have made me question the definition of love. For a long time, I believed love was something external. Something I needed to acquire. Something that granted my validity as a human being. Something that came from others.

Not from self.
Not from me.

Love has certainly challenged me. Its definition, in my mind, has shifted abruptly. The pursuit of love external broke me down. The pursuit of love internal changed the rhythm of my life.

A few years ago, when I was fighting for what I thought was the love I was meant to hold in my life, I wrote a section of the piece that follows. A reflection on external love. Its pace. Its place. Its rhythm in my life.

Today, I see love differently.

Today, I see love as something I cherish inside of me. A beautiful bud that is ever growing, ever shifting, ever changing within the unfolding of my life.

Today I know that loving myself is the most honorable thing I can do. If I do not love me, how could I ever expect love externally to come through?

Fragments of this piece were written in a moment of hardship, when external love felt incredibly difficult to face. Through my understanding of what love is, and what love is not, I have forever been changed.

The poem

A gentle place of cushion
A desired summer breeze
After a long day, a cozy set of pjs and a warm bed to rest up in and sleep.

Not necessary, wanted
As it enlightens the essence of thee.

A space where mirrors are not necessary
Where an echo is not in need
Where feeling seen is a sacred given
You feel safe as you are, as you be.

A grounds where there is a knowing that life is messy
That perfect is not a thing.
When hurdles show up along the way,
Through gentle touches,
A calm transition and walk towards the new reality is seen.

A friend on the vine
A calming presence on the path.

A second to the single
A link where love and respect propel the match.

An added pinch of joy
A sprinkled zest of respect
Built on trust
Honed by its safety net growing, being stretched.

A hand to hold when you are down
An arm of support when you need a boost
A neutral ground where the system
Can function in calmness, not distress.

Being strong in who you are
Growing through as you go
Finding yourself along your journey
A bonus of support as you go.

A space where souls can be themselves
Be free to function as they are
While being linked through mutual decision
That their union will be nurtured amongst the rest.

A place where sometimes I give on this
And sometimes you give on that.
The rope pulls back and forth
To balance the nature of the flow.

Safe.
Secure.
Not scary.
Not tense.

Known.
Understood.
Propelling towards depth.
Propelling further, rooted in respect.

The deepest depth of knowing
Then, with time, deeper even more.
Effort without asking.

Awareness and attunement rule the scene.
Where congruency is felt
Where peace is engrained in the seams.

All things are not to say it is easy
There is an active awareness of life’s challenges and mess.
Nothing in life is seamless.
Here, active awareness is chosen to be kept.

Soft and peaceful
Gentle and serene.
Blissful and abundant
Respectful, grounded in Belief.

On trust and camaraderie
On committed growth and pursuit.
On faith in each other
And the Source from which we followed suit.

A sense of belonging
That is kept because it feels good
A nurturing, sacred place
Where continued sprinkles of joy
Are added into our lives as our interchanging paths deploy.

When love is built with care,
rooted first within ourselves, somewhere deep,
it does not ask us to carry it.
It does not stir question or distress.

It rises with us,
like red balloons gathered in the sky,
a sea of floating hearts
held together by many threads,

Each one carrying intention
brewed from deep within.